John Michael Scalzi, II (scalzi@cris.com) wrote: > The following is an e-mail I sent to Newt Gingrich, in the wake of > the discovery of his comments on the biological urge of men to "hunt > giraffes" and to wallow in ditches "like little piglets": > > To: Georgia6@hr.house.gov > From: Scalzi@cris.com (John M. Scalzi, II) > Subject: Giraffe Poll by Journalist. > > Dear Mr. Gingrich: > My name is John Scalzi, and I am a columnist for the Fresno Bee in > Fresno, California. In the days since the unearthing of your comments > about men, women, combat, and the biological drive for men to hunt > giraffes, I have taken it upon myself to conduct a poll to see whether > that innate giraffe-hunting urge (and the little piglet wallowing urge) > is in fact alive and well in the average American male. > While the sample polled is statistically small (50 men, basically > whomever was handy at the time) and largely comprised of white, > college-educated, gainfully employed males, I nevertheless feel that the > information gleaned from this poll will be of some value to someone, > somewhere, some time. Perhaps you yourself, should the subject of > instinctual giraffe slaughtering come up again. Certainly for me, as it > takes up the bulk of my column, to be published this Wednesday, January > 25. > Thank you for your time, and happy hunting and/or wallowing, whichever > the case may be. > > 1. Have you ever hunted a giraffe? > Yes: 0% > No: 100% > > 2. Have you ever had the urge to hunt a giraffe? > Yes:4% > No: 96% > > 3. Provided the right tools and the time, would you hunt a giraffe? > Yes: 8% > No: 92% > > 4. If not a giraffe, would you hunt another African savannah animal? > Yes: 20% > No: 80% > > 5. If you had to hunt an African savannah animal, which of the following > would you choose? > a) Zebra: 2% > b) Rhino: 6% > c) Meerkat: 12% > d) Boar: 42% > e) Any creature that appeared in "The Lion King": 36% > > 6. Do you think giraffe would taste like chicken? > Yes: 38% > No: 62% > > 7. Might it not make more sense not to hunt giraffe, but rather to set > up giraffe ranches? > Yes: 92% > No: 8% > > 8. When you see Geoffrey, the Toys 'R' Us giraffe, do you ever get the > urge to stick him with a spear? > Yes: 40% > No: 60% > > 9. Do you expect that Newt Gingrich has ever had the urge to hunt a > giraffe? Yes: 74% > No: 26% > > 10. If Newt Gingrich were to hunt a giraffe, would he use tools, or > simply his own mouth? > Tools: 48% > Mouth: 52% > > 11. Would you rather hunt a giraffe, or wallow in a ditch like a little > piglet? Hunt: 30% > Wallow: 70% > > 12. Would you generally describe yourself as a little piglet? > Yes: 22% > No: 78% > > 13. Would you describe Newt Gingrich as a little piglet? > Yes: 54% > No: 46% > > 14. If you could, would you hunt Newt Gingrich? > Yes: 58% > No: 42% > > 15. Would Newt Gingrich taste like chicken? > Yes: 18% > No: 82% > -- Here's the rest of the column: Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich has yet to recover from his sudden ascendency; that much is evident by the fact that every time Newty opens his mouth, some rank foolishness leaps out and sticks itself to the nearest tape recorder. He doesn't even have to be talking about politics (although, admittedly, it helps). Recently, while lecturing to the class he teaches at Reinhardt College in Georgia, My Favorite Amphibian happened to opine about the differences between the sexes in combat situations. Gingrich suggested that women wouldn't do so well in a trench warfare situation, since they get biological infections and lack upper body strength. But it's just just fine for guys, who are "basically little piglets; you drop them in the ditch, and they roll around in it." However, women would do just fine sitting around and controlling rockets with computers. They'd probably be even better than guys, who get restless sitting around because "males are biologically driven to go out and hunt giraffes." Gingrich's suggestion happens to be wrong: In my own little tribe, I'm the one who dorks around for hours, motionless in front of the computer, while my financee Krissy spent the weekend indulging in an orgy of small arms fire, blasting disturbing patterns into paper targets. When the revolution comes, she'll do the shooting, thanks. Still, the image of me and the rest of boys rootin' in a ditch like hawgs is amusing enough, and considering the stretch of the woods the Newtmeister represents, not entirely out of his idiom to suggest. But I have to admit I was frankly flummoxed by the concept of hunting a giraffe. I simply have never had the urge to do so. Why on earth would someone ever want to hunt a giraffe? The world's most gentle ungulate, giraffes don't even have vocal cords; they couldn't squeak out even a mild protest as you dragged them down. Where's the fun in that? Besides, they're all neck. Maybe you could make soup out of that, but that's about it. The only thing I've ever wanted to do to a giraffe is to stick a wire running from my TV to the top of one's head. Those little knobs would bring in great reception. But I wanted to give Newt the benefit of the doubt; maybe (ha!) he knows something I don't. So I corralled the first 50 guys I found and give them the following poll: 15 questions concerning giraffes, piglets and Newts. The results speak for themselves. Since it wasn't exactly a blind poll, I wouldn't suggest that the results have any scientific veracity. The most I'll say for it is it is at least as truthful as the opinions that inspired it in the first place. If the Newt Boy can get away with it, well, so can I. By the way, most respondents suggested that Newt might "taste like pork." Little piglet, indeed. -- Reprinted by permission from John Michael Scalzi (scalzi@cris.com) The Fresno Bee Copyright 1995 John Scalzi This column is distributed through the McClatchy News Service. Please lay siege to your local paper until they subscribe. I and my corporate overlords thank you.