This is a real letter sent by a motorist to their insurance company.. FYi there is a big movement in the UK to force the government, legal and insurance companies to use real english not incomprehensible jargon.. -------- Dear Mrs Eldred Re: policy no M0101 Certificate No: 153945 I acknowledge receipt of your letter dated 2 January. I am absolutely staggered by your entirely incomprehensible response, which is based on a phrase of gibberish so inarticulate and inexplicable not even a professor of Litigation English could fathom any meaning from it whatsoever. It must be entirely beyond even the highest intellect to understand or accept an argument which consists of no more than the phrase 'free of particular average'. I defy you to truthfully claim you have the faintest idea of the origin or literal meaning of this random collection of words, or to suggest to anyone that it has any specific linguistic meaning whatsoever. The response 'free of particular average' is a response as junk-riddled and nonsensical as 'birdnest spontaneity imperfect'. If I asked you whether or not you took sugar in your tea, and your answer was 'birdnest sponaneity imperfect', I could be forgiven for thinking you were in the final tragic stages of some rare mental disease. If I asked you to give me a small sum of money, and you said 'No, because birdnest spontenaity imperfect,' I would then assume you were endeavouring to obfuscate an issue premised on a fundamental requirement to circumvent actuality. Which means, where I come from, trying to pull a fast one. I note that you highlighted the relevant points on the Certificate for my easy reference. By that you mean putting a yellow box round the letters F.P.A. I am touched by your evidently profound concern for my full and clear comprehension, and suggest you have a talent for explanation beyond that of any ordinary human being. In turn, I would highlight a point for you: see the bit marked on the copy of the certificate enclosed. It seems clear from that to people who read ordinary English (rather then Free of Particular Average English) that my vehicle would have been insured against the risks it says it is insured against. Which includes theft of blasted mudflaps. However, it is evident that your company is unwilling to consider payment against a straightforward claim, made by a straightforward customer, for an amount not appreciably different to the premium paid. I do not propose to waste any more of my valuable time in trying to waste any more of your valuable time, which is what I was trying to do, since your company has done so well in wasting my time so far. I would only say to you: A.P.S., which means Accordingly Particle Statutory. A.P.S. is a standard phrase used by people in my circumstances when encountering people who say FPA. APS means people who insure mudflaps and then say they didn't, have to pay $100.00 every time they say FPA, until such time as they are stranded, sunk, burnt, catch fire, are in a collision or go mad or broke, or preferably the whole bloody lot at the same time. Thus your rejection of my claim is automatically declined, and for your easy reference I have highlighted A.P.S and trust that you will note this for your records accordingly. Incidentally, a call to the company who arranged the insurance cover for me reveals that they would have assumed that the wretched mudflaps were insured against loss, as they were a component part of the vehicle being shipped. I asked them what FPA meant, and the best explanation they could summon was 'something average'. And they're a shipping company. I hope you all take it in turn to find yourselves driving behind my truck on a muddy road in a rainstorm. I doubt I will let you past even if you could see to try. You people, you break my heart.